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Archive for February, 2011

Over these last few years, there has been several parts of me that have been ripped and torn which in turn, pleasantly fertilized me. I have observed a change within myself that for all I know has come ever so slowly. Perhaps it just wasn’t time, or I had thus far to arrive at the place I needed to be, or I  was just not yet ripe.  Whatever the reason for the cause is besides the point.  I am just elated to see a change, for a step that was different than before. I have much more to learn and many more places to go within the depths of my soul, as I ride the sprit. But I would like to allow myself to catalog my passage on my latest short but ‘not lacking any excitement’ journey.

I started to notice a change in my feelings first.  Particularly in the area of being sensitive and crying.  I am not one to do so that much and actually didn’t care for it.  I started noticing it more often and ruled out that it was merely a monthly thing. It was a connection to something much deeper and further into the depths of my soul that I was trying to gain access to for some time.  Somehow unbenawunced to me, I gained the access key and was standing right smack in the middle of the basement that I longed to obtain.  I locked the door and threw away the key many years before, promising never to return.  After some deep searching I realized what I done although a little late, and since have tried to find my way back in.  So many tries and so many fails never proved fruitful, until one beautiful crispy fall day.

I saw the strong reddish pinks and yellow orange glows in the sky, falling in a form of leaves at my feet. It then suddenly dawned on me that I was pass the door that imprisoned me absent for so long.  A delighted grin flashed across my face as I rode the ride further within.  Human feelings follow the same path as the will.  And in this, I believe the first access code came through the truth of my will. This breakthrough started with a crack in that wall.  I for so long, thought that I had relinquished over my will, the true fullness of it. However looking back, I in reality held on to some lingering tail-strings.

I have confidence in, that it wasn’t until when I trudged through the muck and the mire of my own heart that I found the true essence of where my will started and ended.  My spirit then realized that this was the next battlefield.  I wouldn’t be able to continue further until I had victory over releasing the separated strings I held onto in a death grip and allow them to merged back into my full complete will.

Since I wasn’t centered in my own will, these new flares of emotion talked me out of faith and into logic. While being in logic is where I then began to loose the sight of faith.  In the world were reason, rationality, common sense and systematic thought takes full reign, one is forever engaging in a war of relative.  It was then, that I finally grasped the concept, like truly understood the impression this was having on me.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times where logic is supreme, needed and very much welcomed. However when it comes to rationality ruling the will, sooner or later it will be snuffed out in a dead end.  God rarely works with a logical plan. Often he tells us things that do not make rational sense.  While it resonates with our inner spirit, it offends our subconscious minds.  Thus, rendering us at a stand off of allowing God to redirect our wills or operating out of our souls. Unfortunately I know this familiar place all too well.

It wasn’t until I stepped off the edge and did something that didn’t make any sense and quite frankly made me nervous,  was I then able to feel the talons that had a grip on me.  Sometimes the will uses our emotions, or sometimes our thinking gets an upgrade, and then there are times when its a power struggle between your will and Gods. It can take a number of these things to reach that place. However, whatever the case, it doesn’t really matter, just that you get there. Get to the place of fully offering your will to God.  God started on me with my will first, then through that he was allowed to renewed my mind, which got ahold of my emotions and then transformed me.

So in the end, what I seemed to notice was the emotional change first, but that was merely a ripple effect from the choices I made before.  A few years ago I overcame the struggle of my mind. A world of second guessing, not able to make decisions, having to be in the know and battling with myself from within. It wasn’t like I set out from the beginning to arrive here. Although it was a deliberate conscious effort on pointing my heart in the right direction.  If I never fully chose to allowed my will to be overtaken by God’s then I would have had an entirely different outcome.  I fully released my will, which then set recovery in motion.

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